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August 23, 2011

Feeling It Now.......Fear

I hate that word.....fear. I've never been one to "fear" anything (other than spiders), but with the divorce finally starting to become real, we're getting ready to file papers as soon as we can figure out what the Hell most of it means, I'm realizing that I am going to be on my own! All alone!! Not only the money situation scares me, it's the not having that extra pair of hands or the extra set of eyes to help keep my kids safe. Lo is at that age where she is starting to just bolt and OMG is it scary!! I was that crazy lady in the pet store parking lot screaming "LOLITA ANN JOLIE!!!! FREEZE! FREEZE!! FREEEEEEEZE!!!" and chasing her around the car. It was not one of my prouder moments. It's moments like those that make me grateful that I didn't let Kevin talk me into "just one more".

I know that somehow, probably with me working my ass off, everything will be ok. And when I say I work my ass off, I mean it. All day, every day. So glad that we are now back on school time, that means the kids are asleep at 8 pm! WOOT WOOT!!! You have no idea how much easier that makes things for me. I was letting Lex have "movie nights" and let him stay up later than usual, like 10pm and then Lo would be up all damn night with night terrors and then I'd be up early and well, you know how it goes. So when I think of being alone, it scares me. When I think of supporting three kids on my own, it scares me. When I think of how many spiders I'm going to have to kill myself, it scares the shit outta me. BUT, that is just how sure I am that I do not want to be married anymore. I'm willing to do this alone. Kinda sad actually, if you think about it. Poor Kevin. He's really not that bad, it's just, well......ok, maybe he is. LOL!! I kid, I kid!! ;) Let's just say that his humor has saved him many times.

I look forward to the end of this chapter and the beginning of the new one, because frankly, I'm kinda sick of talking about "the divorce", being a "single mom AGAIN" and so on. I want to get back to life, blogging more and finally setting up my damn clothes line that's been sitting in my mudroom for weeks! Maybe tomorrow I'll post pictures, something fun. ;)


8 thoughts:

Chris said...

Wow great story. I can honestly feel your emotions. I've been following you on twitter as well and appreciate your humor. Also I believe you are a fellow Boston girl, which is always nice. Best of Luck to you in your new journey.

Moooooog35 said...

I was completely willing to step in and help until you brought up the 'spider' thing.

Go get your house treated first, then we'll talk.

I'm here for you. Just, you know, without spiders.

HD said...

So sorry it's getting tough )o:

Hang in there the best you can and remember to ask for help if you need it. Wish I could lend a hand (o:

T said...

I remember, shortly after my separation, taking my kids to the pool. One ran one way and the other ran the opposite direction. That's when it hit me: I cannot be both places at once.

*sigh*

I loaded them both up and went back home.

You'll figure out how to do it and you'll figure out when to give up and crawl back under the covers.

You got this. Sounds like you're a great mom with a healthy head on your shoulders. And HUMOR always helps too!

* The MOM said...

Thank you, Chris!! Do you have a person Twitter account I can stalk? :) And I am from MA, about 30 minutes or so from Boston.

* The MOM said...

Mooooog, come on!! Don't be a chicken. LOL!!

* The MOM said...

Holly, it is getting tough, but like I said, I'm more than willing to push through just to be free. :)

* The MOM said...

T, OMG YES! That feeling is horrible! Knowing when to give is key. Tough to admit defeat, but kids safety comes first. Ugh, at the pool, near water.....my stomach is turning.