I've Made A Terrible Mistake......

When my oldest was born I was all like...."Yeah yeah yeah.....I got this. I won't talk to her like she's a baby, I won't homeschool her. I won't spoil her. I won't blah blah blah...". Then Lex was born and I was  all like "OH MY GOD HE IS NEVER LEAVING MY SIDE!!!!" See what getting old does to you? It makes you weak! Just terrible. For four years my son was always with me. We did everything together, the park, Chuck-E-Cheese, shopping....everything! He was never away from me. And he was very shy. His Dad and I thought that putting him in preschool would help him come out of his shell. It didn't. Then came Kindergarten and we were so sure that this would be the year he really shined and showed everyone the brilliant child we saw at home every day. It wasn't. First grade......I won't even talk about first grade. It was so bad that I actually contemplated homeschooling him. That is actually what I really wanted to do. I wanted to keep him home, safe, with me. Forever. But I didn't. We were moving to a new town and I thought "One more year. Let's give this school a chance. Maybe it isn't him." and here we are, second grade, a new school and a new teacher. And things are still the same. BUT, his teacher isn't like the others. She has taken the time to actually look deeper, and she has seen what we see every day. She just can't get him to to show it. And do you know why??? Because of me. Me and my "OMG HE IS NEVER LEAVING MY SIDE!!!" I have bottled my son up and he is now only comfortable with us, his family. We are all he knows. He doesn't play sports, he doesn't go to any after school programs, he isn't a part of any groups.....just us. He does not know how to socialize. And here everyone thought the homeschooled kids were the awkward ones who weren't socialized. Nope. Or the kids who some people feel bad for because they do go to after school programs and not straight home to their families. We judge those parents, how dare they not coddle their children?? When in all actuality, they aren't doing anything wrong, they are doing something right. Teaching their children how to be independent, how to rely on themselves. How to make friends. Lex doesn't know how. :( And it is all my fault.

I remember sitting on that tiny chair last Thursday at 8:10pm and saying the words "No, he doesn't have any friends....just....us....OMG THIS IS ALL MY FAULT!!!" His teacher was so nice. She gave me advice on how to help....."get him out of the house". :( FINE! I sat Lex down and said "You know, bud, we are the only ones you ever hang out with, and as much as I hate it, I need to let you go, go out and make new friends", and of course his response was "Oh, Mom. I am so sorry you're having to do this." LOL! Such a sweet little boy.

So that is what I plan on doing. I plan on helping him go out into the world and make friends and show everyone the brilliant, funny, sweet, kind and loving boy that we see every day......even if it does kill me. :)

Mom~

Saving Money........

Picture from Camp Wander blog where you can grab the recipes for all sorts of goodies :)

I've had it with buying things that I can make myself. I started with cleaners. I stopped buying them! I make my own with vinegar and Dr. Bronner's Sal Suds. Works wonderfully, too, I might add. Now, on to detergents. I did the math (not really) and I can save myself a ton of money by making my own. I spend at least $40 a month in detergents alone. That's dishwasher and laundry detergents. I just spent $30 at Walmart on supplies to make my own, and it should last me a year. I will keep tabs on that and let you know exactly how long it lasts. I'm hoping this works out well. I have three elderly dogs and I'm doing laundry every damn day!! I'm not even kidding. Puke towels, pee towels, cleaning rags.....it's tiring, and expensive. If I had been smart I would have had them put in the divorce papers that my ex pay for the laundry! It's mostly the two older dogs who he had before we met that are making the messes. Getting old sucks.

So here I am, sitting in the kitchen, blogging, making my own soap and I can't help but feel like I should be singing Kumbaya or something like that. Seriously! Who am I?! ;)

Me~

Officially The Mom Of A 16 Year Old Teenage Girl.......

Where do I begin? My kid is now 16. 16, people!!! That's a HUGE milestone!!! I feel like more of a survivor than a Mom sometimes though. Raising this kid has been tough, but so rewarding. She's taught me patience, patience, acceptance and more patience. We only had a small party for her at home with friends and family. She went to a sleepover at her friend's house after the party and I spent most of the night cleaning. Life has pretty much been the same since, except for the fact that she's now 16 years old and growing up faster than I ever thought. Looking for jobs, planning her future, talking about car dates (ohmygawdohmygawdohmygawd!!!!) and focusing on staying on the Honor Roll. WOOT!! She's determined to "prove me wrong and get into a good college. See what I just did? Reverse psychology, people. She has also started talking to a boy that lives the next town over. He has a job. And a car. I am now rethinking that "You have to be 16 for car dates" rule. Should've made it 25. It's only a matter of time before she asks me if she can go on that dreaded first date. Alone. In a car with a 17 year old boy. We all know what 17 year old boys are thinking. All. The. Time. I am now going to end this post and drive to the liquor store for more wine. I'm going to need it.

Me~

Getting Back To "Normal"

Or what is considered "normal" now in our home....

Making sure my teenager gets her meds every morning
Making sure the meds are tucked away safely where the teenager can't find them
Trying not to lose my mind
Driving my teenager to various appointments, either for her therapist or group therapy
Helping her deal with her emotions when she feels like she is out of control
Trying not to lose my mind
Keeping everyone as happy as possible as often as possible
Work
Listening to my teenager cry in her room almost every night
Trying not to force her to talk to me
Laundry
Waking up every few hours just to check on my teenager
Trying not to lose my mind
Cleaning
Listening intently to every word my teenager says
Trying not to smother her
Living life as best as I can

Things will get better, I know this, but damn it's hard to be optimistic.

Me~

Irrational Mommy Fears.....Part II

I've talked about irrational Mommy fears here before, but now I have a whole new set of irrational fears now that Lex is in full-time school. When I drop him off he has to walk all by himself to his line outside his classroom door. That's when I stand there and wait till he walks in and I know he's safe. Then it starts, the worrying. "What if he needs me and starts crying, then runs out of the class and down the street searching for me, all the while screaming MOMMY!!!!! over and over again?!?!" That's when I have to keep from crying my eyes out. The "What ifs" are never ending. I hate that I can't walk him to his line. I hate that I can't homeschool him. I hate that he doesn't really like going to school. I just hate it all!!! Another huge fear of mine is some kid losing his mind and taking a gun to school and shooting up Lex's kindergarten class. I know that's a bit much, but I think of it almost daily. I have to force myself to not think about horrible things that could happen to my kids. It's just an awful feeling and I know you know what I'm talking about. I actually try not to go too far from town, ya know, just in case. It's ridiculous. I am trying harder to have pleasant thoughts and to not worry so much, but gosh, it's hard. :(

Potty Training....Also Known As Hell In My House

Well, it's time. It's time for Miss. Lo to get with the program and kick the diaper habit. I am a firm believer to let your kids tell you when they're ready, but Lo is head strong and also not a fan of undies. She's a diaper fan. If asked if she wants to sit on the potty, she answers...."Um, no. Not today." then she saunters off to destroy something. We have had some luck this past week when she actually agreed to go diaperless and has actually peed on the potty. I'm consistent, every day when we get home from dropping Lex off at school I ask her to take her diaper off and then tell her to use the potty if she needs to. Here's the problem.....some days she flat out refuses to do it. She will take her diaper off, but then throw a fit to have it back on and she refuses to use the potty. I have no idea what to do about this. She is 3 and all my kids have been potty trained by 3 1/2, but I have a feeling she will be the problem child. And I tell you what, I am all set with diapers. DONE! I don't ever want to buy them again. So I'm a nervous wreck thinking about having her in diapers past 3 1/2. It just can't be that she refuses to use the potty. She knows exactly what it is and how to do it and when she has to go, but she hates it and has said "NO!" The other day she didn't even say no she just went and got a diaper and said "Here. Put this on me." WTH, kid?! I just....I don't know what to do. I don't pressure her, I don't insist she do it, I don't yell, I tried treats and stickers and rewards and well, she is just not having it. So I'm giving up. I will still pull the potty out and take her diaper off, but I won't fight her. I hope she decides to just do it on her like the other two. Because honestly, giving her a treat and saying "Good job, Lo! You're such a good girl!" just makes me feel like I'm treating her like one of my dogs and that's just no good. So feel free to leave your advice or dark humor or just tell me I'm not alone!!!!

Don't Be "THAT" Mom

Being the Mom of a teenager means I see a whooooole lotta drama! Every day my daughter is mad at this girl or that girl or that guy or that guy's cousin......it's never ending. I do what every Mom should do.....I stay out of it! Unfortunately, not all Moms and Dads think the same way I do and can't help but get in the middle of said drama. Just the other day there was an incident on Facebook with a Mom calling one of my daughter's friend a "bitch". Yes, a grown woman called a 14 year old girl a "bitch". I just could not believe it. My first thought was to comment, but I knew that would just make it worse. There are people I like to call "Keyboard Warriors". They feel brave sitting behind their computer screen and type out nasty comments without thinking twice, but when it comes to the real world, they would probably never say half of the things they write on the internet. So commenting back would be childish. I did the next best thing, I told the girl to tell her Mother what was going on. She did and it's being worked out. Hopefully without violence.

This whole thing made me think of the story from a few years ago when a Mom got involved in some drama and the teenager, Megan Meier,  killed herself because of it. That is just one of many, many stories of teens killing themselves because of bullying. It's hard enough for them going through high school, puberty, relationships and so much more, do we parents have to add to it?! I am in no way saying stay out of it, I'm saying be diligent, talk with your kids, don't add to the drama. I've included some links to some very helpful websites that talk about bullying and how to deal with it.

• Dealing With Bullying
• Teens Against Bullying
• Helping Kids Deal With Bullies

I am currently trying to teach my daughter that lashing out, even with hurtful words, is just not ok. Dealing with your emotions can be hard, but taking a step back, breathing and thinking about what you say or do before you do it, can save a lot of trouble and heartache. Life is hard, but we have to learn to deal with it as best we can. If there was one thing I could say to my daughter about crappy things that happen in life, it would be this......"Nothing last forever, not pain, not humiliation.....nothing! It does get better." One Mom wrote a letter to her daughter on her blog and she took the words right out of my mouth....

Vicky Bell's Blog: Letter To My Daughter (in wake of senseless tragedy)

Well written and so very true. :) It's our job as parents to try and teach our kids right from wrong, to guide them through the good times and the bad and to be there when they needs us. Unfortunately we can only do so much, the rest is up to them.

Once There Was A Princess....

And her name was Lola......

She was quiet, sweet and just adorable....

She grew up faster than her adoring parents wanted her to....

And became sweeter and happier than ever.....

And then one day the little Princess grew into a sweet little girl adored by many.....

But what most people didn't know, was that the Princess had a dark side.....

The Princess was TWO!....

And wasn't always the happy, sweet little Princess everyone believed her to be......

In fact, some days she was just miserable for no reason at all!!!.......

This would sometimes wear on Mommy, but that didn't stop her from loving the little Princess one bit....

Loving The 4's, Surviving the 2's and Clawing my way through the Teens

If someone had told me 10 years ago that I would have 3 kids so different in ages I would have laughed in their faces. But here I am, the Mom of the "3 Extremes". A teenager in full hormonal swing, a 4 year old who is now a pre-schooler and tries to be Mr. Helpful, and then there's my Lo. She's 2. Nuff said. I have to admit, 4 is my favorite age. I love the 4s!! They're all helpful, kind, sweet, loving and just plain fun. Lex is into pretend play, watching movies with us, arts and crafts, he listens very well and is just so loving. So yeah...I love me some 4s!!! It's not that I don't love the various ages, each one has a little somein' special to offer. For example...Lo is 2. She's so sweet, but then she can turn on you like a a rabid dog! So she brings excitement! You never know what's gonna happen next and you're always on guard. Then there's Raven. My teenager. Some days it feels like there's a ticking time bomb walking around here. "Is she in a good mood or in a really horrible mood?" or "Should I even approach her?! Do I dare?!?!" That is what living with a teenager is like. More ups and downs than a roller coaster. But then you learn to read minds, one of the perks of living with a teenager. I can read her mind like no one's business. I know when to approach, when to stay away and when I'm allowed to give her a hug. WIN!

Most days I feel so exhausted from being pulled in so many different directions. I have to remember to not treat Raven like a child, I have to remember that the other 2 are still children and not to expect too much from them. Then I have to remember that, yes, Raven is still my child and not to expect too much from her either, even though she thinks she's grown. WHEW!!! So much to remember. Then throw in appointments, homework, dinner planning, work, cleaning, showers, breathing........I'm surprised I'm still standing. Some days I don't even get into bed before 10 because I'm so damn busy. But I manage, somehow. And most days I'm showered and smiling. Can't beat that! But I swear to GAWD if my husband talks about having "just one more" I will lose it completely.

Am I The ONLY One Who Was Warned About Motherhood?!

I'm a Mommy blogger lover. I search the web for all kinds of Mommy blogs. I can't help myself, they're addicting. Some can be better than books. Just recently I have seen a few post on various blogs about Motherhood and why no one warned them about what was to come. Sleepless nights, not showering, not having time to yourself and so on and so on. I was astonished!!! No one told these women? No one warned them? They didn't already know what was going to happen?!?! I just could not believe this. Maybe I have more honest friends and family than these women. Or maybe I tore off my rose colored glasses as soon as I saw those two lines. Or maybe it was because I was a babysitter throughout my teen years and I've seen children at their best and most certainly at their worst! Either way.....I knew what was coming.

When I got pregnant with my oldest I was only 21. Found out the Father was not someone I wanted in my life and promptly kicked him to the curb. I was going to be a single Mom. Reality sunk in that I was going to be doing this all alone. No help. And I was fine with that. I didn't sit there and think of all the horrible things that were to come, I didn't want to do that, so I focused on the positive. I worked 2 jobs trying to save up enough money so I could take 2 months off after Raven was born. Every now and then I would forget that my future would be filled with sleepless nights and one day I made a very stupid comment to my sister. I was exhausted from working so much and said to her "I can't wait for this baby to be born so I can get some rest. All this work is killing me!" My sister laughed and laughed and laughed some more. That's when I realized my mistake. I would never sleep again. -_- And that is pretty much the truth. Raven still has night terrors and she's 14!! x_x <----Me.

So when people tell me that "no one warned them that Motherhood would be so tough", I just laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh some more. I'm the total opposite of most women, when I see a Mom about to have a baby, I'm  honest. I tell her about the "Three P's", puke, pee and poo. They will all get her at some point. I tell her that she probably won't shower much. I tell her that is is the hardest thing she will probably ever do. I warn her about the sleepless nights and the horrible teething that will make her want to rip her uterus and womb right out of her own body for fear she'd ever have another baby. But then I tell her that, just like labor, you forget about all the bad stuff the minute your baby looks at you and smiles. Because one thing they all had right was this.......it is worth every bit of it. Being a Mother is the most rewarding job.